I've been thinking about Friends for a couple of months now. Best Friends, Spouse-type friend, high school friends, college friends, neighbor friends, acquaintances, etc. There's been a number of events recently that's made me reconsider my entire philosophy about friends.
If you've heard the rumors (which i'm mostly confident they exist), I just lost my best friend/former roommate's friendship of 4 years. She has a lot of difficult situations in her life, and I've been - or at least was under the impression - that i was one of her top 'friend supporters.' But the last few months have been super stressful for me, as far as contacting this friend in any way. My husband noticed how big of a problem it was when after i'd talk to her that day, even if it was for 5 minutes in the morning, i couldn't think about or enjoy anything else for the rest of the day because i was worried about her. Through a series of blunt/badly done conversations, it was over.
My grandma, brother, mother-in-law, 2 sister-in-laws, and few others knew about the stress i'd been having about her; some of them had met her, and knew she was difficult... and they all were so excited for me to be rid of her. Half of me agrees, but the other half is upset that no one seems to realize this was hard for me. It's one of the very few relationships that I've put so much energy into. In fact, it might be the only relationship i put that much energy into that wasn't a crush/boyfriend. And now that it's over, i wonder if i was totally misguided to do it in the first place.
I've always struggled with making close friends, and I've never really been sure why. I had a best friend since i was 3 or 4 years old; met her at church, and she was/is my only consistent friend. But i moved away when i was 14, and now, though i occasionally text her, I don't even know if she cares about our religion at all. All the friends i made in elementary school moved away after each year. I'd always struggled to find one that was at all similar to me. I always thought it was hard because i was a Mormon, and most kids weren't. But then i moved to Utah, and i thought i had made all these friends, but when i went to college, i realized nearly all of them were just acquaintances and they just smiled and said 'hi' in the halls.
Then interest in boys made making girlfriends harder. I had a boyfriend from my ward for the last couple years of high school, who had an amazing talent of isolating me (completely without knowing it. He's really very sweet.) Then in college i got way too involved in dating, and roommates were nearly my only girlfriends. But i didn't realize it at the time; i didn't think it was a problem. I knew i was less available/tight/committed to those girl to girl friendships, but i thought that's how life is these days, too much to do, too many people everybody had to keep up with, it was normal and excusable. And i never had sisters, so how was i to know any better?
I moved to a city an hour away when i transferred schools. I got to know my ward really well - at least all the social ones. We hung out, we stayed up late, watched movies, played group games, and went to the park. Some of them dated each other here and there. It's the first time i think i learned how to be social and not-so-awkward in large groups. I think i was suppose to learn that in high school. But then i found the Best Friend i could marry, and did so. I promised myself and that ward of friends that i wouldn't disappear off the face of the earth just because i was engaged. And i didn't. Until i moved an hour's drive away from there 6 months after getting married.
A Husband best friend is really the greatest kind of best friend, but you don't know me at all if you think i'm content with only him. Girls need girls. I just feel like i'm getting awful low on them.
After i lost my 4 year best girlfriend, I started to wonder why I've always had such messed up friends my whole life. In forth grade this girl i ate lunch with told me she was suicidal regularly. In middle school, an adopted foster girl with miles of problems. Apparently that happened rather often, my mother told me; though i don't remember them all. In college, i made friends with a guy that later i realized must of had borderline personality disorder. My coworker at that same time had schizophrenia. Then a girlfriend i knew had bipolar. and another girlfriend has a semi-serious case of OCD. Three more had Anxiety/Depression. And i'm not saying that they were bad friends because they had a mental illness... but they were the only ones who seemed interested in making friends with me.
For some reason, I've always been chasing friendships with girls i admired; super-smart like Sara and Kelly from first grade. Julie for being fun and unusual in 4th grade. I liked Savannah in 7th grade because she was very popular (due to her beauty, no doubt) but she was also very nice to me (whereas everyone else was mostly mean). In high school, it was amber because she always smiled even when she was exhausted, and was beautiful, and talented. Laura was like that too, but when we didn't have classes together anymore, she stopped talking to me, and i didn't ever understand why. In college, i got to know Melanie, but she got married, and i rarely saw her again, even though she regularly kept in touch with her roommates. Lastly, it was classmates in my major, a group of about 3-4 girls, that were all pretty neat, but i never fit there either; as if because they had the newly married status and i didn't, they wouldn't totally let me in. Or maybe it's because i didn't have a car or anything to offer. Perhaps i never had anything to offer for all of those girls i admired and wanted friendships with.
(oh dear, this post is getting way too long. I'm impressed if you've made it this far, reader.)
But then i started thinking, was i blind? perhaps i was so busy chasing these friendships with girls that were content to not make more friends, that i missed the ones trying to befriend me, and ended up hanging out with the ones who were desperate. And then it hit me; the friends who were actually a friend to me, were the ones that i recall ACTUALLY listening to me, or what social workers call 'active listening,' and 2 names from high school came up in my head: Teresa Peavler (now Gashler), and Crystal Herring. And 2 names from elementary school came up; Christy Woods, and Marissa Bloch. These were the ones trying to befriend me that i hadn't paid a lot of attention to because i was too busy chasing other people. (There are others, but these were the first i thought of.) But I wonder, is it too late?
And now that i'm married and schedules can be crazy, i realize how much harder it is to see friends or make friends now. People are planning weddings, babies, moving away for a job or a house, running endless errands, working evenings, working all day, visiting their family (indeed, i'm very grateful for all the siblings that my husband has because if it wasn't for them and and they being so close, I think i would have had a complete and utter friendship meltdown).
And i get this stupid anxiety about calling friends, like the one i have who now lives in Seattle... "Oh, if i call now, she'll probably be at work and can't chat, i'll call her in the evening..." then in the evening, "I need to spend time with my hubby because he's needing wind-down time from work (that's 5 times a week)..." and "it's a Saturday night, she's probably on a date with her boyfriend..." etc etc until i can't call her at all, or anyone else for these same dumb reasons.
I'm horrible at planning parties, I use to think i was good at attending other people's parties, but I've been pretty bad at it recently, and even missed two weddings that i definitely should of been there for if i cared about having friends at all. But i'm too poor to send them a wedding gift and too embarrassed to admit it.
So this is what i want; I want a couple of girlfriends that i can hang out with almost spur of the moment in the middle of the day, and bring their kids, etc. I'd like to go to the Bead Shop and make ridiculously priced jewelry just to spend the time with them. Or have a picnic; walk to the park and play on the swings. Do a craft or volunteer together. Paint our nails. Anything. I got away with surface friends my whole life. But now i need a few close ones. i hope they need me too.
So, reader, how does one go about making long-lasting friendships? How can i make my intentions clear to a potential friend without sounding outright desperate? And how can i keep an open mind so that when i am befriended, I notice it? Lastly, any tips on being brave?
