The Manipulative Child

My sister-in-law recommended this book to me - 'The Manipulative Child'. She says she's read a lot of books about parenting and this is one of the best. I read the first 50 pages last night. It helped me be a better babysitter. It also helped me understand manipulation better and what it looked like. It talked about how all kids manipulate as children in one way or another but far fewer do it through adulthood. It talks about how manipulation requires two people - the one trying to manipulate and the person they are trying to manipulate. If the latter refuses the former consistently, the manipulator will learn other strategies of dealing with the hard things of life, rather than trying to ask life to change for them. The more someone is allowed to manipulate the people in their life, the more they will be unprepared to their teenage years or adulthood.

I love this book because I'm mostly a pushover. I'm easily persuaded to go out of my way to help someone out. But sometimes that leaves me feeling used and resentful towards them. This book is for me because it empowers me to say 'no' without feeling guilty. It helps me know what will actually help someone else out in the long run. It clears the confusion of a manipulative conversation.

And between this book and the 'get it done' skills I've learned from my husband's family, I was able to help my very passive brother make a goal for working towards college. He's frightened by the idea of college and especially because my mom isn't the kind of help that a kid might appreciate in that situation. My dad was a wonderful help to me. He helped me get a job, a bank account, get a copy of my social security card, and learn the public bus system. Now I'm trying to be a similar support for my brother. My dad isn't around much to help him this year and my mom has no clue he needs support. I hope I can do my best to get him where he wants to be without doing it for him, and making him even further unprepared.

Neglecting Children

I ran across this book/quote while i was read friend's updates on goodreads.com. This one stuck out to me a lot - - it's very bold.

Quote: "The woman who deserts the cradle in order to help defend civilization against the barbarians may well later meet, among the barbarians, her own neglected child." -Choosing Motherhood, by Collings, Hahl, & Eves.

It seems that it could be applied to mothers in the workforce too... those kids often get neglected.

New blog title

I decided to change the title of my blog... it use to be "Keyisme: The Little Life of Keshia." I didn't really put a lot of thought into the first title because i wasn't even sure i would blog a second or third time... for a long time... but as i am actually blogging more often, i'm convinced i have more to say than 'a little', and therefore it calls for a new name.

I'm not sure about the new title, yet, it's just what i came up with at 10:30 at night.

For the Love of Keshia

un-noticed, thought provoking, and occasionally brilliant concepts by Keshia ('KEE shah': def. 1. favorite [daughter] 2. "alive and well" 3. life)

Money is the root of all...

Evil. Happiness. Pride. Safety. Materialism. Comfort.

When a boss wants to put someone on salary, how much should a person ask for? What's the difference between "need" and "want"? 100 years ago, 'need' and 'want' was the same thing. A child 'wanted' shoes because he 'needed' shoes because he didn't have any.

I 'want' insurance against health and car and life and disability, which wasn't available 100 years ago, but most people would consider that a 'need'. (However I was several hundred dollars less poor for not having any while going to college.)

I also 'want' scrapbooking paper so i can make homemade cards instead of buying expensive Hallmark ones that most people trash eventually anyway.

How come 'food' is almost always the first to go if you're not making ends meet at the end of the month? Maybe it's the easiest to get for free... or the last bill of the month...

Maybe the saying is true... the LOVE of money is the root of all evil... because i'm only stressed out about money because someone told me i need to pay for all this insurance, plus food, plus a car, plus have a hobby or two, plus extra to hang out with friends. When did hanging out with people get so expensive? When did society forget what activities were available to do for free?

The reason life is so expensive in America where we are considered the richest country in the world... is because there are laws against hunting food in your backyard... and therefore you have to shop for it with money. There are laws about making fires in your backyard... and therefore you must buy an oven/stove/microwave/grill. And that calls for all sorts of pots and pans and utensils, gas and electricity, running water, an actual dwelling, homeowner taxes, etc etc... until you're as poor as the pioneers... but no one would know it because, hey, you own a lot more stuff then they did.

Ballroom Dancers

For the last month, my husband and I have been converting VHS to DVD for my mom, and also copying all our DVDs onto our electronic media server for easy use through apple TV. It's been fun, but also time consuming. VHS has to run all the way through the movie while we record; then we send it to the apple TV, then we send it to encode, then we make an image and burn onto a DVD. And we have about 60 VHS to convert.

Today, I'm recording one of my own... DVDs actually, but I have to record it like it's a VHS because it such an obscure format that the computer couldn't read it. It's a video of my high school's ballroom dance company crew preforming their end of year show.

I've wanted to learn to Ballroom dance since i was around 12 or 13, but my father refused to teach me... he seemed to think that if i knew how to dance, i'd get into trouble with boys at school. My mom always thought that was bogus, and i'd be more likely to do that if i didn't know how to dance properly... like i'd end up doing the stupid tight hug slow dance instead.

I finally took Ballroom beginners in my senior year... it was slightly awkward because i was the only senior, and everyone else were freshmen and sophomores, which also made me one of the tallest. The only seniors in the class besides me, were the 5 teacher aids. And they were all stuck up, show offs, and snobs.

It ended up being such a bad experience, in fact, that i haven't been able to shake my prejudice that all well accomplished dancers are "worldly, materialistic, snobbish, hate-mormon standards and everyone less accomplished in Dance than I" beliefs. Which is funny, since i took a latin class in college, that was actually a fairly good experience... except that i was still the tallest. Dave has also tried to get me to go to a college swing club group, which is there mainly to make beginners into professionals to join the college team and compete... and they're really nice, but i still can't shake that belief that all dance teachers look down on their students... (even though i was taller than those teachers too.)

As a young teenager, I thought I should marry a guy that can dance, because i thought i'd want to, but as it turned out, Dave ended up marrying a girl that refuses to dance more often than not. Kinda stinks, huh?

A similar thing happened to my brother... he had major natural talent for music and instruments, but swore it all off because of a rude, judgmental and condescending teacher in middle school.

It's amazing how a group or a single individual can make some devastating results simply by being unkind.

Keshia Needs...

Here’s what you do: Google your name with the word ‘needs’ after it. Put it all in quotes like this: “Harvey needs” or “Darren needs” Make a list of the first 10 things that make sense that Google spits out.

1. Keshia needs numbers!

2. Keshia needs to get laid.

3. Keshia needs to chill out

4. Keshia needs to sit herself down & act like a mother

5. Keshia needs to get in the studio

6. Keshia needs a vocal coach

7. Keshia needs to jump down and start crying

8. Keshia needs to stop adding subscriptions to google reader

9. Keshia needs to be cracked out for the show ratings

10. Keshia doesn't need any approval from any of you!

Friends: the good, the bad, and the ugly

I've been thinking about Friends for a couple of months now. Best Friends, Spouse-type friend, high school friends, college friends, neighbor friends, acquaintances, etc. There's been a number of events recently that's made me reconsider my entire philosophy about friends.

If you've heard the rumors (which i'm mostly confident they exist), I just lost my best friend/former roommate's friendship of 4 years. She has a lot of difficult situations in her life, and I've been - or at least was under the impression - that i was one of her top 'friend supporters.' But the last few months have been super stressful for me, as far as contacting this friend in any way. My husband noticed how big of a problem it was when after i'd talk to her that day, even if it was for 5 minutes in the morning, i couldn't think about or enjoy anything else for the rest of the day because i was worried about her. Through a series of blunt/badly done conversations, it was over.

My grandma, brother, mother-in-law, 2 sister-in-laws, and few others knew about the stress i'd been having about her; some of them had met her, and knew she was difficult... and they all were so excited for me to be rid of her. Half of me agrees, but the other half is upset that no one seems to realize this was hard for me. It's one of the very few relationships that I've put so much energy into. In fact, it might be the only relationship i put that much energy into that wasn't a crush/boyfriend. And now that it's over, i wonder if i was totally misguided to do it in the first place.

I've always struggled with making close friends, and I've never really been sure why. I had a best friend since i was 3 or 4 years old; met her at church, and she was/is my only consistent friend. But i moved away when i was 14, and now, though i occasionally text her, I don't even know if she cares about our religion at all. All the friends i made in elementary school moved away after each year. I'd always struggled to find one that was at all similar to me. I always thought it was hard because i was a Mormon, and most kids weren't. But then i moved to Utah, and i thought i had made all these friends, but when i went to college, i realized nearly all of them were just acquaintances and they just smiled and said 'hi' in the halls.

Then interest in boys made making girlfriends harder. I had a boyfriend from my ward for the last couple years of high school, who had an amazing talent of isolating me (completely without knowing it. He's really very sweet.) Then in college i got way too involved in dating, and roommates were nearly my only girlfriends. But i didn't realize it at the time; i didn't think it was a problem. I knew i was less available/tight/committed to those girl to girl friendships, but i thought that's how life is these days, too much to do, too many people everybody had to keep up with, it was normal and excusable. And i never had sisters, so how was i to know any better?

I moved to a city an hour away when i transferred schools. I got to know my ward really well - at least all the social ones. We hung out, we stayed up late, watched movies, played group games, and went to the park. Some of them dated each other here and there. It's the first time i think i learned how to be social and not-so-awkward in large groups. I think i was suppose to learn that in high school. But then i found the Best Friend i could marry, and did so. I promised myself and that ward of friends that i wouldn't disappear off the face of the earth just because i was engaged. And i didn't. Until i moved an hour's drive away from there 6 months after getting married.

A Husband best friend is really the greatest kind of best friend, but you don't know me at all if you think i'm content with only him. Girls need girls. I just feel like i'm getting awful low on them.

After i lost my 4 year best girlfriend, I started to wonder why I've always had such messed up friends my whole life. In forth grade this girl i ate lunch with told me she was suicidal regularly. In middle school, an adopted foster girl with miles of problems. Apparently that happened rather often, my mother told me; though i don't remember them all. In college, i made friends with a guy that later i realized must of had borderline personality disorder. My coworker at that same time had schizophrenia. Then a girlfriend i knew had bipolar. and another girlfriend has a semi-serious case of OCD. Three more had Anxiety/Depression. And i'm not saying that they were bad friends because they had a mental illness... but they were the only ones who seemed interested in making friends with me.

For some reason, I've always been chasing friendships with girls i admired; super-smart like Sara and Kelly from first grade. Julie for being fun and unusual in 4th grade. I liked Savannah in 7th grade because she was very popular (due to her beauty, no doubt) but she was also very nice to me (whereas everyone else was mostly mean). In high school, it was amber because she always smiled even when she was exhausted, and was beautiful, and talented. Laura was like that too, but when we didn't have classes together anymore, she stopped talking to me, and i didn't ever understand why. In college, i got to know Melanie, but she got married, and i rarely saw her again, even though she regularly kept in touch with her roommates. Lastly, it was classmates in my major, a group of about 3-4 girls, that were all pretty neat, but i never fit there either; as if because they had the newly married status and i didn't, they wouldn't totally let me in. Or maybe it's because i didn't have a car or anything to offer. Perhaps i never had anything to offer for all of those girls i admired and wanted friendships with.

(oh dear, this post is getting way too long. I'm impressed if you've made it this far, reader.)

But then i started thinking, was i blind? perhaps i was so busy chasing these friendships with girls that were content to not make more friends, that i missed the ones trying to befriend me, and ended up hanging out with the ones who were desperate. And then it hit me; the friends who were actually a friend to me, were the ones that i recall ACTUALLY listening to me, or what social workers call 'active listening,' and 2 names from high school came up in my head: Teresa Peavler (now Gashler), and Crystal Herring. And 2 names from elementary school came up; Christy Woods, and Marissa Bloch. These were the ones trying to befriend me that i hadn't paid a lot of attention to because i was too busy chasing other people. (There are others, but these were the first i thought of.) But I wonder, is it too late?

And now that i'm married and schedules can be crazy, i realize how much harder it is to see friends or make friends now. People are planning weddings, babies, moving away for a job or a house, running endless errands, working evenings, working all day, visiting their family (indeed, i'm very grateful for all the siblings that my husband has because if it wasn't for them and and they being so close, I think i would have had a complete and utter friendship meltdown).

And i get this stupid anxiety about calling friends, like the one i have who now lives in Seattle... "Oh, if i call now, she'll probably be at work and can't chat, i'll call her in the evening..." then in the evening, "I need to spend time with my hubby because he's needing wind-down time from work (that's 5 times a week)..." and "it's a Saturday night, she's probably on a date with her boyfriend..." etc etc until i can't call her at all, or anyone else for these same dumb reasons.

I'm horrible at planning parties, I use to think i was good at attending other people's parties, but I've been pretty bad at it recently, and even missed two weddings that i definitely should of been there for if i cared about having friends at all. But i'm too poor to send them a wedding gift and too embarrassed to admit it.

So this is what i want; I want a couple of girlfriends that i can hang out with almost spur of the moment in the middle of the day, and bring their kids, etc. I'd like to go to the Bead Shop and make ridiculously priced jewelry just to spend the time with them. Or have a picnic; walk to the park and play on the swings. Do a craft or volunteer together. Paint our nails. Anything. I got away with surface friends my whole life. But now i need a few close ones. i hope they need me too.

So, reader, how does one go about making long-lasting friendships? How can i make my intentions clear to a potential friend without sounding outright desperate? And how can i keep an open mind so that when i am befriended, I notice it? Lastly, any tips on being brave?

30 days of Truth: Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life:

I had a million goals as a child. I wanted to learn every hobby out there... nearly... I wanted to write a complete dictionary that included every word that existed... I wanted to have it all perfect and do it all the right way... and never have debt except for a house... I wanted to know how to fix everything so i'd never have to pay anyone to fix it...

Then i started learning how to do some of those... and i learned i have no patience for sewing or car repair. I learned that i'm scared for high-risk hobbies such as skiing, nor do i wish to try to afford it.

As i grew older, i had goals like, go to college, get a degree, marry a wonderful guy, and have kids. Having kids is the only thing i haven't done yet, as far as those 4 go.

And i can't say i 'hope' to have kids, because i'm totally planning on it... in the next couple years-ish. But my goals at this point aren't the kind of "Wow", that everybody admires... like becoming a helicopter pilot (which i still think sounds fun...); they're more like...

1. preparing for the commitment of raising children

2. learning to be a good wife

3. learning the give and take of favors within a family

4. learning when, where, and how to set boundaries

5. coming to an understanding of past events

6. figuring out what hobbies are still worth pursuing

7. learning how to budget so i can pay off debt and save

It's a busy lot to learn, but not an easily measurable one... however, i can tell when i've made some progress... most of the time. However, sometimes it's my husband that points it out.

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for:

Ah ha! So the story must come out now from Day 3 post...

I must forgive my father for...

...this is where i wrote down 5 points i need to forgive him for... but unfortunately, i couldn't bring myself to post them. He's not a bad guy... it just wasn't his strengths. Some of them... he just didn't know how to be that person.

30 days of Truth: Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for:

Throwing away my brothers toys when we were young children. I thought they were butt ugly. Like a neon yellow motorcycle.

Or cheating them out of their favorite toys - Like cleaning Ben's room for him and then demanding payment - of his favorite hot wheel car - a purple vw bug.

I've been trying to make up for it - i bought Ben another one to replace it... unfortunately not the very same one, as that one is lost in a parental storage unit... that story is for some other day of truth...

30 Days of Truth:Day 2

Something I love about myself:

I love that I still like to play like a little kid. I like swinging on the swings, I like playing with the kid's meal toys, and I love spontaneously having fun with whatever I run across.

Like the other day, I bought a kid's meal at Carl's Jr - the chicken strips (which tasted much better than the Western Bacon Cheeseburger) and got a Megamind toy that i practically jumped up and down when i found, and nearly fought out of my 17 year old brother-in-law's hands. It was intense.

Tears, Blood, and Sorrow

I have this friend... and she has a lot of personal issues. I've been 'best friends' with her for about 4 years... but she has this nasty habit of regularly accusing her friends that they're trying to get rid of her as a friend. I always try to reassure her, but this month, I've been getting a little sick of this game. And a little sick of her asking me to save her from her mistakes. And a little sick that she thinks she's a reliable friend, but in reality, hasn't slowed down to be a friend to me in the last year and a half.

On top of that, she lives 3 years in the past, and expects me to still act somewhat single and unmarried, as well as expect that from my husband - because she knew him when he was single. And expects all of us former roommates to be the same people we were 3 years ago. Which is getting a little ridiculous.

Is it so wrong to dump her?