My brother is doing a survey for a class at school, about how people's greatest fears change as they get older. He had a list of common fears and I was to choose 3 greatest fears. I ended up picking 'rejection,' 'embarrassment', and 'loss (of loved one/possessions).' At the end of the survey, I remarked that greatest fears may have more to do with life experience rather than how old you are. For example, if my parents were divorced, i'd likely have a fear of 'commitment.' And if i'd been assaulted, I'd probably have a fear of 'being injured' and 'emotional pain.'
rejection
having problems with family
embarrassment
expressing feelings
emotional pain
intimacy
abandonment
loss (of loved one, possessions)
death
being injured
economic hardship
commitment
change
the unknown
failure
All evening, I've been thinking about those fears I have. I realized these are all the same fears I've had since I was a young child. In elementary school, every friend I made moved away at the end of the year. In college, a boy I was dating died in a car accident. I think that's where my fear of 'loss' came from.
I remember as a small child being just terrified that I'd be embarrassed. I'd pray everyday to God that I wouldn't be embarrassed. I was very quiet and very careful about what I said and did so that I wouldn't look like a fool. I remember I went on a picnic with a family from my church and the mother of this family threw a half eaten sandwich in the stream. I was confused by this. So I thought I could throw away my Capri Sun in the stream too. I announced that I was throwing it in the stream, just in case that wasn't okay... but no one said anything, so I threw it in. Suddenly this Mom was freaking out that I'd done that; we fished it out and she made fun of me for the next hour. I felt completely stupid.
By the time I entered middle school, I didn't make friends easily and was afraid to open up to new people. I generally didn't share my opinions with anyone for fear of 'rejection.' People in my middle school were generally quite opinionated. Many were very rude. Swearing was constantly heard in the hallways and everyone was calling everyone all sorts of names. I was quiet enough that I was mostly ignored. When I was in 2nd grade, I tried to give my best friend a hug, to tell her I loved her. She freaked out and said, 'no, don't touch me.' I don't think we hugged or touched at all for several years. It didn't seem to bother her.
I moved to another state when I entered High School. I opened up a lot more. Most people in this new area were kind to everyone. I knew 50 people's names and they'd smile and say 'Hi' to me in the halls. No one was swearing or cursing at me. It was refreshing. I made a lot of new friends but by the time I reached senior year, I realized they were all superficial.
At the end of senior year, there was a big 'all night' party. There were big blow up balloon slides and blow up things, great snack foods, everything. But it cost $40. We were a poor family at the time and it was a rich neighborhood's high school. I doubted my mom would say 'yes' due to the cost that I almost didn't bother to ask her. But I subconsciously was looking for an excuse just in case anyone asked me if or why I wasn't going.
Before the party, not a single person asked me. But a few days or a week after, a boy from my church group asked me about the party. It seems he thought I had gone, and said something like, "Wasn't that a great party? Did you have fun?" I was quite surprised he asked. First of all, I hadn't really ever had a conversation with him, despite having a crush on him for a couple of years. Secondly, I didn't think anyone had cared whether or not I would be there. I told him my concocted excuse, which increasingly had made many of my high school friends uncomfortable; "I didn't go. I couldn't afford the entry fee." He looked awkward and embarrassed.
But it was in that moment that I realized the real reason I didn't go. I imagined explaining to him, "I didn't think anyone cared. No one seemed to notice I wasn't there. Who would I have hung out with? I've been eating lunch BY MYSELF for a few months now. I don't really have any friends. Just a bunch of people who say 'Hi' and smile at me in the halls."
But admitting that I didn't have a single friend to sit with at lunch was far more embarrassing to me than the awkwardness of "I'm too poor." Was I a failure at making friends? Or was I failure at being a friend? I knew I wasn't the best listener... I was regularly distracted during conversations. Or maybe it was just the culture... everyone had their clicks, and I just wasn't invited in. Or maybe, they all made friends with common interest peoples - the band group, the german club, ballroom dancer, and the runners. Maybe I was a mis-fit. I didn't have a strong interest or talent in any particular group, so I was left without a group.
So here comes... apparently I still have those fears. I share my opinion more often now, but not usually where it would meet with strong confrontation. I generally start sentences with 'I think', 'I heard somewhere,' and 'supposedly' rather than just stating the facts with their factual sources. I try to be accommodating to everyone, but I've had a couple of epic fails that left me in tears on more than one occasion. I still struggle with making 'best friends' with people. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm often timid about hugs and touch.
I struggle with being in charge. Babysitting strong-willed nieces really tests my abilities to set boundaries. I tend to say, 'do you want to' rather than 'will you please' and the former generally meets with a 'No.' I have no power.
At this point, I would start to explore how to overcome these fears/ weaknesses, but I think I might finally be able to get some sleep, so Goodnight my patient readers... if I even have any... (besides my Husband. I know he reads. He is the one most amazing man in the world who will notice my hesitation and seek to discover my quiet but spirited opinion. It's one of the biggest reasons I married him. He cares very much about what I think. I love you Dave!!!)
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