Homeownership

"Kids are all bundled up for a romp in the snow...are we going outside...no :( Our furnace broke again. Lame! and COLD!!!!" -Cami

"Another expense that homeowners must bear." -LaDeana

I'm in the stage of life where in the next year or few, I will be looking to become a homeowner. I'm sure nearly every perspective homeowner is filled with ideas that they're going to get something amazing and fix it up to be gorgeous and comfortable. 

I have met a lot of people recently who have become homeowners unexpectedly sooner than they thought they would be. It was unexpected from my perspective too... how can someone get a home when they're still in college and don't have a career job? How can they afford one when they're on medicaid and WIC? And welfare? 

"A good home must be made, not bought."

Joyce Maynard, "Domestic Affairs"

This is even more surprising thinking about how many people have lost their homes since the housing bubble popped in 2008. Those with homes were evicted/ declared bankruptcy and those new start-up families who've never had a home are buying them. Part of me wonders if we're just kicking out the older generation to house the younger one. 

"What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?"

Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

When planning a trip to a vacation destination, the best advice/warning I've heard is, 'A vacation trip will cost double what you planned it to cost.' So far that's been true for us. But in my own life, I've extended that advice to other things as well... and in this case, buying a house. I intend to have twice the minimum downpayment on a house that is half the price I'm approved to purchase. Because if I stretch my money too thin... the furnace will break... and I won't be able to afford it till... someday.

"I love food and I love everything involved with food.

I love the fun of it.

I love restaurants.

I love cooking, although I don't cook very much.

I love kitchens."

- Alma Guillermoprieto

I grew up always feeling medium to low middle class. I think I fit in low middle class now... and the idea of buying a [nice] home, or building a custom home (even if it's the same price), makes me feel like maybe I'm rich. 

But rich is a slippery word, isn't it? A man LOOKS rich with a nice home... but maybe he only owns 10% of the house and he's got heavy monthly mortgage payments on it? Maybe he LOOKS rich with a brand new car, but he only owns 10% of that as well. His wife wears nice clothes but they were all purchased on a credit card he pays the minimum payment on each month. 

And the neighbor around the corner... people see them wearing dirty overalls all the time. They don't have unlimited minutes on their cell phone and it's not even a Smartphone. Their yard looks okay but their house could use some remodeling or some fresh paint. But if you were to liquidate the rich LOOKING man's assets and the neighbor's assets... you might find that the man is $350,000 upside down and the neighbor with the dirty overalls is a millionaire. 

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."

Ellen Goodman (1941 - )

I'm starting to get a guilt complex too... so many thousands of people living in worse worldly conditions than I... and instead of spending it on a house to paint pretty and put in nice double pane windows and a roof that lasts 50 years, I should be taking those savings and giving it to the poor and the needy. Or employing them. Or teaching them life skills. Or feeding kids in Africa. Or buying them antibiotics. Perhaps I should dedicate my life to helping those with less than I have. 

Or perhaps buying a small but decent home IS helping the world?... by raising my children to be upstanding and hard working. Teaching them how to be and live modestly. Teaching them honesty and integrity. Teaching them life skills and how to fix things. What is the difference between a modest and an extravagant home? When did the line between a NEED and a WANT get so gray? 

"A man builds a fine house; and now he has a master, and a task for life; he is to furnish, watch, show it, and keep it in repair, the rest of his days."

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882),

Society and Solitude: Works and Days, 1870

Normal

When Life is upside down, sometimes I just want everything to get back to normal. I want the whole ordeal to be over with. But sometimes I'm just lying to myself... because the old 'normal' will never return. Dozens of lives... perhaps even hundreds, will never be the same again... after loosing someone they love and admire so dearly. Myself included.

When people ask...

When people ask, "Are you going to be okay?" what they generally want to hear is "Yes" or "I think so." Perhaps this is to help reassure themselves that you Will be okay. But perhaps it's also their way to wishing for you to Be Okay and make it through.

But if you answer "No," rather matter-of-factly, most people are at a loss as to how to respond. Because, if you're not going to be okay, How Can they help you? Can they give you a medical procedure that doesn't exist to fix the problems that will end your life shortly? Can they wave a wand and heal your emotional pain? To shorten your grief?

There's counseling options for grief and there are support groups... and then there's religion... but generally people don't discuss those options with just anyone.

You could give them a book about grief... though you won't know if they'll read it or if it'll actually be helpful. You could deliver dinners; visit them often; continue to ask, "how can I help?" And Utah's favorite answer, "I'll keep you in my prayers." An answer that holds a range of opinions about how helpful that Actually might be.

And then there's Time. No one can really give you this except to wait. To be patient. To give you space where you need it. Or to take you out on the town to distract you from watching the clock and wallowing in grief.

Then there's the question, "How are you?" This is a loaded question too, but is really only an extension to, "Hi," for the most part. It's almost automatic for most people. Which can sometimes be a bit awkward.